


Arguments of the Soul and Mind

by Lionna Mouri (Scifiroots)



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: April Showers Challenge, Early Work, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-11-09
Updated: 2000-11-09
Packaged: 2017-10-18 05:13:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/185408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scifiroots/pseuds/Lionna%20Mouri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>8 parts in one. My POV series with shonen-ai hints. So far, parts 1-8. From Heero's and Duo's view, in-character from my view , throughout the series and after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arguments of the Soul and Mind

~~~  
Title: Hatred Dashed with Confusion  
Series: 1st of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series.  
Status: Completed but unedited. This is the first story of two (just two?) POV stories. There will be a  
companion to this one.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai (it's true! I know it's not too obvious. Read between the lines. Look  
at how it's written. ^_^ you'll see it.) Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the  
characters.  
Started: June 21, 2000 Completed: June 21, 2000

I lied when I said I hated that chatter. Didn't you see it? I said I hated your talk, your voice, your laughter.  
That I hated that indestructible smile. Even then you kept that smile and horrible sense of humor. How  
could you take everything that tossed at you so violently, so easily? Damn you're too strong. I… was  
frightened of that. Do you understand? I was frightened that you were stronger than I, that you could  
survive more things than I could. Guess I was right. I still don't know what you went through in the past  
but I know it was something akin to my past, or something more? Nothing less, I know.

Who trained you to mask yourself? Who trained you to keep that smile even when someone punches you in  
the gut? That smile… the damned smile and glowing eyes… you haunt my dreams with that. You, dressed  
in some black robe and holding your gundam's glowing scythe. It's you that shows me my past again. You  
remind me of a father that trained me as an assassin and actually never admitted to being my parent. Not  
even as he died. You always show me that black alley where some screwed-up doctor found me wandering.  
You always show me that puppy, lying so still with crimson liquid flowing from its veins…

What right have you to torture me like this? You flaunt your superiority around me even if you'll deny that  
statement. It's so true. Quatre says you keep us together with that smile, I believe you're just pushing us  
out.

More lies. Do you see my lies? You let your indigo orbs bore into mine yet you still cannot break my walls  
to see, can you? I guess that's all I have left. You've already broken my other barriers, all that's left are  
those to my past. Do you even realize that? Eh, Shinigami? That's all that's left. You've left my soul  
vulnerable and bare along with my heart that still beats. This beating heart that should be still and gone. But  
no… you claim you're my friend and will never leave me. You claim that you cannot let another person go.  
I'm not a person. I'm a monster. You can most certainly leave a monster to die, can you not?

Maybe that's what you're doing, killing me softly. Those glowing eyes of yours missing the innocence that  
my soul wants your eyes to be showing. Your smile is too sunny and makes my shadows of my past hide  
along the edges of my mind so that they are not burned. You carelessly toss around your loving friendship.  
How can you do that? I cannot believe you're so… careless with everything. How can you be? In this time  
of war…

We do not have time for emotional attachment or love or friendship. Everyone and everything will die and  
leave eventually. Let that be. You should understand that, Shinigami. Shinigami. Do you even understand  
the meaning behind that title? You don't seem to. Making joke of death and sacrifices. How can you stay so  
calm after our battles? How can you do that? /Can you teach me…?/ Look now, you've caused my own  
mind to turn against me. Why do you have so much control over me?

That's why I yelled and shouted. 'I hate your smile, your laughter, those glowing eyes of yours! I hate you  
and your friendship. For once act like the soldier you're supposed to be!' I had to stop myself, knowing I'd  
gone too far. I was perhaps hoping to get a different reaction out of you, hatred shot back at me or tears  
or… I'm not sure. But you just grinned and waved it off with a laugh as you went back to work on your  
gundam.

Now what's this feeling clawing at my stomach? Guilt? Damn… I feel guilt all too often to know all  
versions of it. Yes, then, it's guilt. Guilt for saying those things… those lines… As I walked back into the  
living room I noted you sitting next to the stereo listening to the music with a blank face. Will wonders  
never cease? I was so stunned that I couldn't move for a long while. I'd never seen the smile or glow absent  
from your face. And it was… so… horrifying that I felt lost. I hate it when Quatre is right.

Finally I noticed that a mellower song started up and I heard you singing along. "Dear lie, you suck, you  
said you could fix anything…" I stood there for a long while, watching you. You suddenly let your eyes  
open halfway and donned a small, wistful smile on your face. I realized that you were watching me as you  
began singing more of the song unknown to me. "Afraid the truth would hurt me, when it's you who hurts  
me more…" I wanted to leave but I seemed rooted to the spot. Eventually the song ended and you sat up  
fully, smiling softly while turning off the music. "Dear Lie by TLC," you told me for some unknown  
reason. I gave you no reply and I wonder why you even bothered trying to talk to me.

We stayed where we were for a long while. Finally I began moving from the room just as you stood and  
head in the opposite direction. I brushed shoulders with you on accident and I could hear your whisper,  
"You lied, Heero. You don't need to, you know." And then suddenly you were gone. I had frozen in place  
and just turned to stare at your retreating back.

How can you read me? I don't understand you. I hate you. Is that right? I don't know. I'm not in control  
anymore and I hate it. I can't stand not understanding or not being in control. How can you deal with it?  
Why… why did you turn me twisted and confused? I do hate this and maybe I hate you for it. Be thankful I  
didn't say loathe, I know that's too much of a lie. I'm not the one that says I don't lie. But how can you  
claim to run and hide but never lie? I saw that blank look on your face with no life glowing about you  
before that… mask of a smile and glow appeared again. You lie about yourself, don't you? Liar. You  
cannot claim to not lie. You lie everyday.

Then again… it's a mask… something to hide you… damn. Why is everyone right? Why am I continually  
being wrong? What have you done? If you hadn't already condemned yourself to hell I'd damn you: again.  
Everything I'm doing lately is pointless.

I cannot even understand myself anymore. K'so, how can you accuse me of focusing on the missions too  
much? I cannot do anything else. There's nothing else to do. I can't love or care, you'd better understand  
that. All I can do is hate. "I hate you." I wonder if you even heard.

Owari

Title: Love Bound With Indigo companion story to: Hatred Dashed With Confusion  
Mini-series: 2nd story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Completed. Companion to my first story of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.  
Some language.  
Started: June 21, 2000 Completed: June 21, 2000

I bet you were wondering if I heard those three words. Three nasty little words 'I hate you'. Oh, you're real  
kind. What do I expect of you, though? Screaming at me to toughen up and wipe the 'stupid-ass grin' off  
my face and quit the laughter. I understand that you're mad at my light jokes of this war and death. That's  
how I deal with it, lay off, buddy.

I think I know some of your past even without you verbally telling me. I've heard you've been raised an  
assassin since age two. That right? I do feel awful for you about that and wonder how that life was  
compared to mine. Neither of us had parents or have them so I guess there's one thing the same there. You  
didn't go to an orphanage, though. I know you didn't have friends. That's all too obvious. That means you  
never held your best friend as he took his last breath saying your new name. Didn't feel that friend's blood  
wash over your hands to remind you that you were the cause of the death.

You think you're the only one with a tough life? Look at all of us, o' Perfect One. Damnit! Look at us all!  
Trowa… his past so clouded but I've heard him talking to Quatre of his past. He's even spoken to me once.  
He's gone through some similar things of mine… I feel bad for the guy. Luckily he has someone like the  
blonde Arab to help him through. Lucky is right. Wufei, man that must have been a shock. He's told me  
before he never got to tell his wife he loved her. And she died. So young… so early… it destroyed him, as  
anyone could tell.

Look at Quatre, mother died giving birth to him. The only one in his family not test-tube born. He's gone  
crazy before, I know you know of that. Hell, you're the one who fought him. Yet you still focus on self-  
pity, don't you? Bastard. Can't care for someone else… can't calm your stone face for even a moment.  
What did you go through…? I'm so desperate to know. I really do not want to shut you out and hate you,  
thinking that you're full of self-pity. So are you? If you are, sorry but you ain't getting anything from me.

But when you shouted at me… I felt something underlying. You were telling me that you couldn't care as  
most people do, weren't you? You were explaining things to me. You were telling me to get away, weren't  
you? Damn, you're lucky I have learned to read you. I think I understand a few things. So you cannot feel  
much, can you? What happened, I wonder? Something to ponder on a rainy day I guess.

For now I have to brush off the hurt you caused by saying you hated me. All I try to do is offer my help…  
you turn me away again and again, what's the point of that? I'm here. Why shut me out?

Well that's just part of you. Mr. Stone and perfect being. You hold up against everything. I hate that. Oh  
yes, there's lots that I hate about you too. You hate my smile, my glowing eyes, my laughter, and my jokes.  
Well I hate your perfect body that's dangerous but so beautiful; I hate your stare that's intense on my back,  
I hate your deep, sexy voice, I hate how you make me feel. I hate how you step on my feelings and deny  
your own. I hate it. I hate not being in control. You're making me struggle to keep up my mask of jester  
cheer. Soon I'll need to borrow Trowa's clown mask; it'll work better than mine.

Trowa says you can be hurt but I hardly believe that. You've avoided death so many times and I've seen  
what you can endure. Hell, I was there when you jumped off the fricking 50-story building! Baka. That's  
etched in my memory, you falling and me scared more than half to death of that elegant neck of yours  
breaking.

Yeah, you heard me. I've said elegant and beautiful and sexy… all adjectives directed at you and you alone.  
K'so, you're so blind to see what you're doing to me. I hate it all. Quatre says I'm in love. Little blonde,  
angel-winged devil can be so annoying.

I hate him when he's right. I guess I'm hating him a lot lately.

I mentioned before that Trowa said that you can be hurt and then continued to say that I didn't believe that.  
Sorry for lying, I'm not supposed to lie. I know you can be hurt. I see it every time that I catch you staring  
into Relena's cornflower, innocent eyes. I see something flicker within you and I know it's pain. There's  
more emotional pain, I know, because I always run into a wall when I stare into your eyes and they do not  
lead into your soul as some quote says they should. I saw you once struggling to hide a broken arm after  
one of our missions so you can be physically hurt. You just hate to admit it.

There's another thing I hate, your pride. It's almost as bad as Wufei's. You're like each of us in some way,  
did you know that? You're just too stubborn to see. You refuse our offering of friendship. You shouldn't.  
Why can't you see that? Why can't you stop lying to yourself and others? But that's what I should expect…  
that's what I should expect from the Perfect One. The unfeeling one. No… that's not right. You're not  
unfeeling. You do 'hate' me, after all. You make me smile with that comment because that is a lie. You  
don't hate me as much as you say you do.

You lie, Heero, you do. Oh, a note back to you, I did hear you. I just choose not to acknowledge that lie of  
emotion.

Owari

Title: Removing the Mask  
Mini-series: 3rd story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my first two stories of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.  
Some language.  
Started: June 22, 2000 Completed: June 22, 2000

I heard about you today. Seems that even when we're long distances apart you're still not gone from my  
life. You want to be out of my life, though, don't you? All that omae o korosu crap is an obvious hint. I'm  
sure you're wondering how I know about you… don't underestimate me. You aren't the only computer  
hacker around here, you know.

Once I heard about you I thought back to my encounter with our ex-fellow pilot. Do you even know about  
him yet? He's lost his memory… it was devastating. I mean… to… to see him like that. It was awful and I  
have to wonder if you'd even blink an eye at him. He looked so lost, his bangs shading his face half-  
masked with a white, clown mask. His green eyes no longer had life, wonder how Quatre would like to  
look into them now.

That's cruel, I know it, but I haven't much else to do than to be bitter. That new organization dropped by  
yesterday. That… 'White Fang' group that's been saying they represent the colonies. I doubt that. They're  
just making such a mess, I'm sure you understand. I guess that's something I miss… you understood a lot  
of my ideas without you yourself realizing it. Hilde doesn't understand. She pretends she does, but she  
really doesn't. She asked me to fight for the White Fang, that I could be a hero. Why would I want to be a  
hero? What's the point? You just live on as some exaggerated legend… there's no point. I'm just fine being  
Shinigami. You'd roll your eyes at that, Hilde would just sigh sadly.

Oh joy, now I'm comparing you two. I guess I should move away from that subject, then. Another way that  
I heard of you again was from our lovely angel-winged, devil. Quatre's returned, I'm sure you know that,  
and is trying to gather us all together. I wonder why you did not come…? I guess I was hoping for too  
much. Heh. You'd be surprised how much I've changed since you saw me last. I'm not always wearing the  
dumb-ass grin, as you call it, or cracking the jokes that you simply ignored.

Quatre brought that up today. He seemed so innocently stunned that I refused to join him and went to leave.  
I did my good deed, though, and let him know Trowa's still out there. Poor guy, I wonder how he'll react to  
seeing our European friend without a memory of him.

You wouldn't care for my blabber lately. It's even more mindless at times though Hilde also comments on  
me being too deep for her taste. Can you believe it? I've found someone who's completely in love with my  
mask of the jester. I bet you'd never have guessed that. She claims I space out on her and get all depressing.

She doesn't understand.

That's part of why I left.

I flew Wing Zero a while back, that's one hell of a machine. I hear Millardo Peacecraft was the last to get a  
hold of it, wonder where it is now. I sure hope that machine disappears, it's too powerful and dangerous.  
No human could pilot it. Hey! It's the perfect gundam for you! Gomen, couldn't resist that intervention.

From one colony to another, I'm hopping about now. With Quatre and that woman… Noin, searching  
around for all the gundam pilots it's hard to stay away from their grasps. You know as well as I know how  
powerful the Winner family is and how many resources they have to go through. Eventually they'll find me  
or I'll join them… I guess we'll all find out eventually, ne?

At the moment I'm on L2, my old home. It still looks like a piece of crap, everything peeling and fading  
away. The people seem to be nothing, as always. There's no millionaires here, I assure you. It's a poor  
colony here for getting rid of everyone homeless. At least that's what I used to believe as a kid. I still see  
rail-thin eight-year-olds running down the street with an armload of food as they evade an angry vendor.

I used to be like that. Did you know that? You think you know everything about us, don't you? Or am I  
misreading you again? I misread you last time. I thought there was some caring within you. I was wrong.  
You've proved me different since then…

But… maybe you did feel for that one brief time. That one day. I suppose you were startled that I just  
grinned your insults down. Actually I was stunned myself. I was hurt – hell yeah, I was hurt – but I had to  
hide it. You've too much guilt on your shoulders. I see it all the time. So that's all you feel. Hate and guilt.  
Hmm… interesting perspective.

I asked Trowa about you, before I knew of his memory loss, and he was utterly confused. I feel bad now  
for doing that… I'd thought everything was the same. Oh well. I can't change what I did now. Quatre told  
me of what you and he did on Earth. He told me of the Sank Kingdom and Relena… I can't believe that  
you agreed to go back to her. I thought you hated her. You hate me, why not hate her? Buddy, I'll tell you  
this, I'm a much better deal than her.

Oh crap, stupid hormones kicking in. These are not tears that are building the heat in my temples… no… it  
can't be. There's no ache in my heart… it's… something else.

How do you like that, Perfect Being? You're making me lie. And even though I hate to admit it, I've  
become jealous. All because of you… for you… You. I'll never understand this. I'm just glad that not  
another soul knows so that I won't be pounded from the outside for these feelings aching around my body.

Maybe I should just join Quatre… sure would get my mind off you. Ninmu ryoukai, as you would say.  
~~~~~ Owari ~~~~~

~~~  
Title: Peeling Away the Blindfold  
Mini-series: 4th story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my first two stories of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.  
Some language.  
Started: June 23, 2000 (early) Completed: June 23, 2000 (early)

I cannot believe that I've returned to space. It's not only that, it's that I didn't return on my own. When  
have I gotten so weak as to rely on others? I hated the journey up here. And that flirting! That's what they  
call it, right? If you would have seen those two you would understand. Wufei claims to hate woman and  
refuses to show respect but it's amazing to see how he can flirt. Sally's just as bad but she's just obsessed.  
For some reason I can see you agreeing with me. That's a pathetic thought, us agreeing? I don't know how  
I could have seen that.

We're all gathered together and I almost hate to join everyone again. Almost. But this will be the first time,  
and last, that I'll ever admit that I needed to see all of you again. This will be our last time meeting, I can  
feel it. This is nearing the end of the battle – sniff the air, you'll smell it too.

You're reaction was what most people would call comical, I believe. It was just simply odd to me. Why so  
shocked about Wing Zero? I must say… I… was rather devastated to know you were forced to pilot it. I  
know what hallucinations you can get. What the hell…? When have I cared about if someone was forced  
with it? You had to have endured the pain! You're a gundam pilot after all; you need to deal with it.

Damn, damn, damn… have you noticed my composure yet? Take a look. I'm losing the walls that took  
years to build. I hate you for that. That's old now for me to say. Isn't it? Well then, I'm annoyed that you  
have done this to me. Did you know that I actually felt pity upon hearing Trowa losing his memory? That I  
wondered for a few moments how Quatre reacted when he first found out? Why should I give a damn about  
them? They're just more soldiers in this accursed war.

What's the difference?

You've been so withdrawn from us all. I had expected your motor mouth to run us off all day and night but  
instead you need prompting to talk. I'm not blind, I see Wufei and Quatre pulling you in. I can't believe  
Wufei believes Quatre's saying that you keep us together. That's false. You kept us together. Not anymore.  
We hang together for our own reasons. Mine has been, and always will be, the mission. I'd never be sitting  
here this moment in the midst of all of you if it hadn't been for the missions. You know I hate socializing.  
If that's the only thing you know about me, I wouldn't be surprised. I know I haven't told you a blinking  
thing and I sure as hell don't plan to either.

That's my information. No one else's. Not even Dr. J can understand me. He doesn't understand the  
monster he's created. He doesn't realize what a danger it was to release me out into the universe and infect  
Earth. I'll kill without thought. I've come so close to killing you and I know you don't know even half the  
times that I've almost succeed. For the most of the time the only thing stopping me was that you are a  
'comrade' as they say, in these missions. For the most of the time.

For the rest of the time…? I don't even know what's stopped me. I remember once whipping out my gun  
and holding it at point-blank range to your nose. You just stared at me, you're wild grin changing to a  
wistful smile as you moved the gun over your heart. You just raised your hands. My finger froze and I saw  
something that I can only guess to be disappointment. Why disappointed? I'm the one who wants to get out  
of this war that desperately. Not you. You're the one who loves to joke about the deaths and battles after  
we finish. How could you want to leave? No… I won't believe it.

Not at all. Don't give me crap about your past, I've been there. I know that. K'so, I'm admitting to  
understand you again. Why can I understand you? I shouldn't! I should not be able to relate to you in any  
way. There's a weakness in that… somehow… there is…

I hate this confusion you've dashed into my life, like a bit of pepper added to a meal. But you've put too  
much pepper in and I can taste it now; the meal's no longer dull tasting or just plain bitter. There's all  
different tastes. You've changed me too much.

That's a danger to our mission. I will destroy all obstacles, I'm warning you. This is my last warning to  
you. I cannot hesitate next time. I will complete my mission. That mission sent to me months ago… the one  
you never knew about… the one I refused to tell you about. Simply because I wasn't sure if you really were  
a threat. You're beginning to me, now, so I can no longer disobey my mission.

I just… hate these things building within me. I guess the only way to put it in a way that I can understand  
and still explain to you is to say: I'd hate to kill you.

It's one mission that I've disobeyed. As I said, don't make me follow through.

We're here to battle side by side. Let's not let one another down. Just don't start that friendship bit and I'll  
be fine… that doesn't mean riding your smile or laughter. Where are they, anyway? Where's that mask that  
I found out about so many months ago?  
~~~~~ Owari ~~~~~

~~~  
Title: Lost Soldier  
Mini-series: 5th story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my other stories of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.  
Some language.  
Started: June 23, 2000 Completed: June 23, 2000 (typed up June 24th)

I felt my body strain within the safety harness as Wing Zero was knocked madly about in the atmosphere.  
Though our gundams are powerful, we don't always have a chance of making it through Earth's  
atmosphere without some covering. I couldn't see straight or concentrate. I could only think of Zechs as he  
blew up himself and Libra. If I couldn't finish his job now, too many innocents would be lost.

I hate this cold feeling of emptiness that has entered me since the colonies declared their peace. The war…  
is over. I've survived. Maybe I won't survive, though. There's still this last piece of Libra to get rid of and  
the atmosphere to fight. Suddenly I hear your voice through a personal channel. You're urging me to finish  
this and by your tone I know you're asking me to come back.

I hate that I can't resist you. I'll have to come back now. Finally I can focus and I can aim. For a long while  
all I can see is the endless expanses of the results of the explosion. Shrapnel is burning up around me as I  
force Wing Zero into bird mode. As I pass the smoke screen of the explosion I can see everything coming  
into focus. I barely hear your voice shouting success.

Everything is hitting me all at once. Trieze is dead, Libra's gone, Zechs is dead, the colonies declared  
peace, the war's over, I've survived.

The war is over.

Nothing's really sinking in. I just can't believe it. The war's over? I must have spoken aloud for I hear your  
laughter – real, honest laughter – and your affirmative. The war's over. Again you assure me it is.

It just can't be possible. No more missions? No more training…? Those who controlled my life are dead.  
I… honestly don't know what to do now. Vaguely I can hear Relena contacting me and showering me with  
praise. What for? I don't think I know anymore. We're all taken on board the main ship of Earth's forces.  
Ex-forces. When I get off I see you floating toward me in the zero gravity. Your smile is genuine for a  
change and for some reason unknown to me, I wish I could return that smile. But I don't have the right.

I can see you reaching for me but that's when everyone breaks into the hangar. Noin and Sally are  
congratulating everyone and I can see Lady Une standing off to the side. She seems different but that  
shouldn't matter to me. Of course I see Relena heading my way, huge smile on her face. I never should  
have had that conversation with her before I left. She's grabbed me into an embrace telling me all sorts of  
nonsense that I couldn't care less about.

Am I mistaking things or did I actually see you falter? If anything, the smile is fake now and you're  
heading away from me. I have to get Relena off me but she's worse than glue and continues to stick to me.  
Closing my eyes, I calm myself down enough to ask her to move away. She's deaf to the warning in my  
tone, even though she moves to hold my arm. That hold I can break. She gasps as I move away but I ignore  
it.

The rest of you are gathered in a foursome talking things over. Wufei's a mess. I've never seen him like  
this before. He's not one to cry but I still see the wetness on his cheeks and eyelashes. Who has he to cry  
over? You're still wearing that damnable, fake grin. Quatre looks so weak and pale, leaning against Trowa.  
I'm surprised to find him bleeding from his side. I see you notice too for soon you're calling Sally over to  
check on him.

As Sally leads Quatre and Trowa away I watch you. Relena's back again but I note that she hasn't clamped  
onto my arm yet. You turn and smile wistfully at me and I, for the first time, see an inner sadness.

You always startle me like that; maybe that's why I claim to hate you. I feel suddenly cold again as I  
realize that everything will be changing. How do I deal with that? I always thought that things going on  
around me didn't really affect me. Now I realize I'm wrong once again. What do I do now that my life will  
not longer be planned? I'm not used to being able to control my life. I'm not sure if I can adjust.

I don't know if I can handle this.

Owari

Title: A Door Closes and a Window Opens  
Mini-series: 6th story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my other stories of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.  
Some language.  
Started: June 25, 2000 Completed: June 25, 2000

I watch as Quatre is led away to the medic area, I just hope he's okay. I turn back to Wufei to find out  
what's going on… why he looked so distraught. I saw you again, this time you walking towards us. The  
words I really wanted to say were locked in my throat so I dealt with flashing a cheery smile. Relena was  
by your arm again but I was finally seeing the beginnings of annoyance. The lines on your forehead were  
creasing ever so slightly and your muscles were taunt as if you were in battle.

Quickly I distracted Relena with some comments about the last battle. She immediately began bubbling  
about how you had rescued her from Libra and how wonderful it was that you had finished off Libra before  
it reached the Earth. Wufei gave up on us and walked away and I truly wished to do the same. People say I  
talk a lot but they should look at Ms. Pacifist here.

You may not like her but there's something binding you to her. I hate how she acts like you're an item. You  
do look good together. I know that's not everything but I can't brush off the times that you didn't push her  
away or the reactions you give to her. You treat her differently than you treat the annoyance named 'me'.  
You always said she was an obstacle between the missions but you never came too close to being rid of her.  
You've come closer to get rid of me for heaven's sake!

Damn… I'm frustrated and confused at the moment. It's the end of the war and I should be happy yet  
instead I'm stuck worrying if you'll survive after the war. You never thought you'd survive the war, that I  
know, and I know you didn't want to survive the war. We're all left at loose ends now. Trowa has  
someplace to go with that circus job of his. Quatre's got his work cut out for him with managing the  
Winner estates since his father is dead. But what about Wufei or you? I don't have anything to do either but  
that doesn't matter. I can always find something… hopefully.

I'm sure a certain someone would just love to have you as their personal bodyguard. Who will guard our  
backs, however? I'm not stupid or blind. There's still people who will hate us for being gundam pilots and  
killing so many. It's just how it happens. They wouldn't ever listen to 'we didn't have a choice' or 'it was  
for the peace of the colonies'. What sort of answers are those anyway?

Relena stopped talking some time back and I have to force myself away from my thoughts just to find Noin  
and Une coming towards us. I listen vaguely to note that they are working on setting up peace conferences  
throughout the colonies and on Earth. Sighing, I give a smile and wave them off.

"Duo-kun, where are you going?" Relena demanded as I turned. I had to grit my teeth beneath the smile so  
as not to shout at her. I continued on walking while tossing a comment over my shoulder.

"Heero's not the only one who fought, I need some rest and to check on Quatre. Later, Ms. Pacifist." I  
continued on and it wasn't until I reached the door that I realized I'd said her 'nickname' aloud. Quickly I  
turned around a put a hand to my forehead. Sometimes I could really mess things up…

Relena was standing there with her mouth hanging open a bit and both Une and Noin looked a little startled  
at my show of sarcasm. I was quite worried what you would be like so hesitantly I moved my line of sight  
to you. What I saw made me gape. My hand dropped to my side as I stared at the slight upturn of your  
lips… a smile! An actual smile! Not a smirk or mocking smile you've used before… no… an actual smile.  
Slowly my lips turned upwards too. You must have realized I noticed for you immediately donned the  
blank expression and turned away. I didn't really care anymore. I now knew you could smile… and joke…  
still be able to feel. It meant that there was still a chance for you and some hope for me. It left me a little  
breathless as I turned from the room. I forgot all about the need to apologize. What is the point of doing so  
when I wasn't sorry anyhow?

I heard some arguments behind me as I left the hangar and down the hallway but I really didn't care. At the  
moment I needed to find Quatre and see what was going on before I went to get some much-needed rest. I  
couldn't even remember the last time I'd slept.

Sally met me outside of Quatre's room and I peered in quickly to find Trowa nodding off in a chair beside  
the bed while Quatre was already asleep. I smiled slightly and then turned back to Sally. She informed me  
that Quatre would be okay even with the blood loss and lack of sleep. She reminded me that I ought to get  
some sleep along with you and Wufei. I let her know that I hadn't a clue where Wufei was but that I'd get  
you and make you get some rest. She smiled, at my enthusiasm I'm guessing, before sending me back to  
find you and leaving to go find Wufei.

I was having quite a time keeping my balance with the reduced gravity and I was rather surprised since I  
was used to the lower gravity and floating. I love floating… usually. Well, when my head and body are  
connected I like it but at the moment it seemed I was detached. Just how much sleep had I missed? Ahead I  
could see a blurry image of the closed hangar door. I just hoped I could reach it before I passed out. After  
opening the door I had to pause for a moment to calm my head that was floating off again. Slowly I made  
my way towards you, calling out. You turned slowly and I would have said something more if I hadn't  
weakened that moment and needed to clutch onto the catwalk railing.

I closed my eyes, I didn't care much anymore. All that mattered and that I wanted was sleep. Even the  
thump of a booted foot hitting the 'ground' every-so-often didn't matter to me. I just remember warmth  
coming about me as I slipped into oblivion.

Owari

Title: Yume  
Mini-series: 7th story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my other stories of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters.  
Some language. Referrals to Relena's Episode Zero and the official manga of Operation Meteor.  
About 95% of this part is dream sequences (hence the title).  
Started: July 9, 2000 (early) Completed: July 9, 2000 (early)

Sally ended up dragging all of us into the medics unit. Since you had passed out and Quatre was already  
resting, she had no need to use the tranquilizers on either of you. She's stubborn when she wishes to be and  
finally Trowa, Wufei, and I had no choice but to let her inject the sedative.

I can remember being in the void between sleep and reality, I felt detached for what seemed like hours. I  
was relieved to fall into a full sleep, I didn't even remember the last time I'd slept more than an hour. Let  
me backtrack, I was relieved… until the dreams started.

I walked slowly through the snow-topped rubble with a single, yellow flower in my hand. It was such a  
fragile thing that I wondered if the snow would break it. I didn't look anywhere but my destination – a  
small mound. Earlier I had arranged two rocks in a tower, my only memorial to the little girl and her puppy.  
The image was still so clear in my mind… the blood still washing from my fingertips. I set the flower down  
with a slight waver in my hand. I could feel the matted fur that was once silky soft, the young dog's blood  
had tangled the coat. Its body was so cold but the blood was still warm… trailing down my hands and arms  
to stain my shirt. [1]

For a time I stared at the pathetic memorial. Silently I withdrew my handgun from the waistband of my  
shorts and clicked off the safety. Finishing preparing the gun, I raised it up as I focused on the flower  
before me. I remember thinking that it could all end and that I wouldn't have to deal with the insane doctor  
ordering me on the newest, biggest mission. The cool steel rested on my temple. I closed my eyes and my  
finger tensed, any more pressure and it would go off. [1]

My eyes flew open at a familiar and unwanted voice. I spun to see him standing there. His voice was  
clipped as he reprimed me. I turned my head away and the scene faded; a new memory starting.

It was such a fancy school, completely unfitting for a dirty child like myself. I stared coolly at the entrance,  
if it weren't for my mission being placed there I would have steered clear of it. Some girl spotted me  
through the window, I ignored her. I knew I was a mess, that would draw attention but at the time I didn't  
care. [2]

I walked down the hall with my file of information in hand. Someone was walking opposite of me but I  
hardly noticed since I was busy running through the information in my head. Something collided into me  
and the file skidded along the floor. Angry and startled, it took self-control to keep from hitting the girl  
who'd caused me to loose the file. I retrieved my things before staring at the girl who had run into me. She  
apologized and then stopped, staring with curiosity. She had shoulder-length, gold-blond hair and  
cornflower eyes. She looked incredibly innocent, not fit to be born in the time we were living in. I snorted  
mentally and turned. I wouldn't know who she was until later… [2&3]

More memories filtered through my mind and I felt the too-large gun in my small hands. I began falling  
back as the missile launcher fired from my hold. I stared down at the dying man before me, my face  
impassive. It wasn't until he stopped breathing that I realized he really had been dying. My eyes widened as  
I saw the last person that I had considered 'family' moved on. [4]

I began walking through black, not really knowing where I was. Loud laughter began echoing in my ears  
and I tried to move on without thinking about it. It just continued and I realized whose laughter it was…  
yours. You always do haunt me in my dreams, it had just to be a matter of time before you entered that one.  
I paused and stared ahead where I saw your form materializing. The normal outfit adorned your body as the  
customary smirk dashed across your features. I saw you reach your hand out with an object clutched in it. I  
watched without emotion as I heard the familiar 'click' resound as you pulled a mechanism back.

Still smirking, you held the all-too-familiar handgun to me, handle first. I stared for a moment before my  
hand reached of its own accord. Your smirk turned to a simple smile as you mouthed something that I  
couldn't understand. Seeing this, you pointed at your heart, then pointed to the gun, and next, to my heart. I  
opened my mouth to ask you what you meant but then a flash of light blinded me from you. I could have  
sworn I heard a gunshot but…

I opened my eyes within a second and found myself staring at the ceiling of the medics unit. Within the two  
beds to my right I spotted Wufei and then Trowa, both still asleep. I sat up and ran one hand through my  
hair, as if removing the memories of the dreams. Dreams. Hmm… I still wonder what you meant.

My feet slid off the bed and I stood, I looked to the left. You were lying in one of the beds, staring at the  
ceiling with unseeing eyes. Something was haunted about you. I frowned.  
~~~ Owari ~~~  
[1] These paragraphs refer to the manga Operation Meteor the day before the gundams are sent to  
earth. Heero has these two rocks set up and sets the flower the little girl gave him down by it. The  
rest of the scene is described in this part. He was about to pull the gun's trigger when Dr. J came  
up… not sure what he said.  
[2] From Relena's Episode Zero. Heero is dressed in this ratty outfit and is quite dirty. He stands at  
the school entrance in the beginning and the young Relena sees him. (From what I can tell she wants  
to know who he is and such.) They bump into each other in the hall and a folder Heero has skids  
along the floor. Anyhow, you pretty much have their first meeting there.  
[3] The girl is Relena at age 11 (AC 191) for those of you who didn't guess.  
[4] This relates to Heero's Episode Zero in which Odin Lowe dies. The part about the missile  
launcher and such is from other scenes in which 8-year-old Heero is holding different weapons  
practically his body size. It's really strange to think he was trained as an assassin since age 2

~~~  
Title: Not Quite the End  
Mini-series: 8th story of 'Arguments of The Soul and Mind' series  
Status: Complete and unedited. Companion to my other stories of the 'mini-series'.  
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)  
Warnings: shonen-ai/ mild yoai Y'know me: angst, emotional, etc. Always torturing the characters;  
some language. ACTUALLY…. None of those warnings apply to this part. No warnings, seriously.  
Extra note: The last paragraph introduces Blind Target, one of the official mangas. I will be including  
scenes from BT and using the plot for a few of these next parts until we enter the Endless Waltz  
segments. I'm working on covering most of the official Gundam Wing story-lines. Anyhow, here goes.  
Started: July 15, 2000 (early) Completed: July 15, 2000 (early)

I cleared my eyesight to find myself facing the ceiling of the medic area. Quatre was to my left and I noted  
you along with Trowa and Wufei in beds to my right. Sally must have given you something, I doubt a  
perfect soldier like you could get as exhausted as I was.

I refocused on the ceiling again as I let the thought of the war being over sink in. Now what to do? I had no  
place to go to – I envy Quatre for that; even Trowa, he has that circus of his. Hmm… I'd wonder about you  
and Wufei but I've too much to worry about myself. Perhaps I could ask Quatre to go with him – work for  
a bit, see if I like working. I've never worked in my life.

The ceiling, so appealing – hn. It's just white, how boring. I wondered why I even was keeping my eyes  
open. I could try falling asleep again, after all. Something kept bothering me in the back of my mind,  
however, and I just couldn't place a finger on it.

Something bothered me and I felt my skin crawling, someone was watching me. Turning my head I found  
you standing and staring at me with something wild flinging through the back of your eyes. I raised my  
eyebrows in question but you ignored it and walked away. My lips turned into a slightly bitter smile;  
you've always ignored me.

Once we were all gathered and awake again we began listening in on the plans for peace negotiations. I felt  
incredibly bored, political things – when going into deep detail – never interest me. I always get lost in the  
talks anyhow. Finally Relena excused us and the five of us sat at one of the mess hall dining tables. I asked  
what everyone was going to do, now, where they were going to stay. Trowa said he'd be returning to the  
circus but didn't say more. Wufei didn't answer, pretended to ignore me. You, at least, were honest in  
saying that you didn't have any plans. Quatre would be returning home to start running his family's  
business.

I was surprised, but when I announced that I had nothing to do and nowhere to go, Quatre offered me to go  
with him. I thought about it for a while before accepting, it would be nice to still be around a fellow pilot  
after the war. I wondered how you'd fare on your own… I guess it's not for me to worry or wonder about.  
Relena will surely provide you somewhere to stay and a job.

A few days later we finally parted ways. I stood beside Quatre as we said goodbye. I watched you as you  
moved out of sight and towards your shuttle gate. I felt inclined to say something, to admit a few things to  
you. It was too late when I finally found the words and so I just smiled at your back. "Sayonara, Heero…" I  
murmured.

"Nani-o?" Quatre asked me as we boarded our shuttled. I just shook my head and grinned in reply. He  
shrugged and went about finding our seats. It would be a long shuttle ride, I'd just have to sit tight and  
watch space from the window.

The Winner residence is huge; I'm not sure I can even explain it in words. You just can't understand it  
unless you're actually standing there. And his sisters…! So many! And they're all ages – some married,  
some not; some with kids… Oi, what a large family. It's clear his sisters love him thought, for they pamper  
him and treat him as a baby. I had to laugh at that.

Quatre is quite focused on his work and is very good at keeping everything organized. Sometimes it's a bit  
lonely without him around. His sisters that are still on L4 do make good company, however. Iria is a doctor  
here, she says she met Quatre when tending his wounds after recovering him from outer space. She  
informed me on a lot of things about the colony and its history. Interesting, but long…

I do wonder how you guys are doing? Trowa likes to check in with Quatre every-so-often so we hear from  
him. You and Wufei are so distant, though. That's too bad…

We saw Relena on television the other day – seems she's got a new helper. It's strange, Trowa wrote us the  
same day that we saw Relena's new helper to say that some guy he knew from the mercenaries came to the  
circus asking for his gundam. Quatre's got a bad feeling about this and so do I. I believe we're splitting up  
soon to take a look into a few things. I'll have to check on the gundams, Quatre will have to continue  
keeping up the business while secretly looking into the going-ons lately. Looks like there's some action  
left…  
~~~~~ Owari ~~~~


End file.
